i hate christmas parties

not sure where the emptiness came from, but i really, truly struggle with Christmas. 

I remember feeling this way as far back as elementary school.  The buildup was always huge.  We’d come back from my grandparent’s house in Oklahoma, and when we topped the hill coming into Sherman, Texas, the decorations would be up in downtown.  And we’d go through the Christmas party at school, the visit to Santa, the pageants at church, all of it… only to wake up Christmas morning, rip through the packages, enjoy the festivities for a day or two, and then return back to normal with a somewhat empty feeling.

Things didn’t satisfy then, and they don’t now.

was going to shut it down

I was going to shut this down, my blog.  I scrubbed it thoroughly recently for some personal reasons, but I need it.  I need to write what I’m feeling, whether someone sees it or not.

Sometimes, just writing it out helps me see more clearly.

But, one thing I need to say – in writing, these are my observations and recollections of how I, as a human being, feel, it doesn’t always mirror hollie’s feelings or responses to the same events.

Today is where my book begins.

Natasha Bedingfield – Unwritten

I am unwritten, Can’t read my mind
I’m undefined.
I’m just beginning, The pen’s in my hand
Ending unplanned
I break tradition
Sometimes my tries
Are outside the lines,

We’ve been conditioned
To not make mistakes
But I can’t live that way
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words
That you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

The rest is still unwritten